Fear of Open Conflict part 3
Imagine you have a problem within your organization or with someone in your organization. Depending on your conflict style, you may want to avoid the problem, confront the problem directly, find a compromise, concede to the point of view of the organization or person, and/or collaborate to find a “win/win” solution. You may have been taught in order to do any of these you have to calm yourself and be positive and nice before engaging with others. You may have been taught that the number one rule is to due no harm. What if those two notions, calm and do no harm, are what is preventing you and the organization from resolving problems?
“Which kind of safety are we endorsing here? Is it the safety from psychological “power over” and actual harm? Or is it the safety from being made uncomfortable by accurate information that challenges one’s self-perception?”
― Sarah Schulman, Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair
Is it just me or if we are talking about a problem, someone is being negatively impacted by that problem? If someone is focused on defending themselves or the organization, they may feel attacked, whether naming the issue calmly or with passion. My experience has been that whether or not I say things calmly or nicely, when someone is confronted with uncomfortable truths that the don’t agree with they can react with denial and defensiveness. The notion that someone that is harmed has to present their issue in a calm and “right way” is a tactic that changes the conversation from the person or organization doing the harm to the person reporting the harm. Instantly, the initial cause of the harm is forgotten. Sadly, you will see conflict resolution or conflict mediation reinforce this notion that ultimately protects the offenders.
Especially when discussing justice, equity, diversity, and inclusion, it is important to recognize that asking someone that is expressing concerns related to any type of oppression is being vulnerable and taking a risk. There is a long history of intimidating people that bring up these concerns and even more history of a lack of follow-up and accountability to organizations and people that reinforce oppressive environments. The notion that someone is supposed to short circuit their emotions in order to express harm was done to them is cruel. So, if you want to do no harm, think about how you can avoid confusing conflict with abuse and learn to take responsibility for the impact that is being expressed.
